It has been four days since I've seen the sun. The foghorn blaring day and night. But the fog I am most relieved to see dissipate is that which settled in my mind. I've had a migraine since Sunday - today is Thursday. To be without clarity for that amount of time is disturbing.
Not only does a migraine bring physical pain, but with it a shroud of sadness, an almost hopelessness.
So much of my life has been stolen, and I want it back. You can have the days gone by, no point in worring about them, but I want my future.
I need direction, I feel as though I have tried everything. In spite of my fear of needles I became a human pincushion in the hope of finding relief. I've been to neurologist after neurologist. Chiropractors. And natural medicine. The problem being I don't feel well, enough days in a row to help myself feel well.
Classic case of catch 22. It's easy to say, "well, I will just do it" when I am feeling good, it's when I feel as though someone is cleaning my brain with a pipecleaner that the motivation is low. I just wish I could figure this out.
So that's my bring you down speech - sorry about that - but, this is me. Headaches and all. Am I more than my headaches? Of course. Am I limited by them? Absolutely. Is it fair that Charlie has a Mommy with headaches? No way. But as my mom used to like to remind me, "Life isn't fair." Kind of a shitty mantra. My retort, usually in my head, was "Life sucks and then you die." But it isn't true. Just look outside. It is a beautiful, crisp clear day. The sun is so bright and the sky is so blue and the rays of that sun in the bright blue sky warm my arm as I type. So I am not without hope, in fact I am hopeful, hopeful that one day I don't have to plan to be unpredictable - that my fate will not be determined by migraines.
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